January 11, 2022, Indianapolis, Indiana.
Concluding a Cinderella season, the Washington State Cougars defeated the Alabama Crimson Tide 77–3, just failing to cover the -75 point spread. The game was uneventful, following a tumultuous week for the Cougars. Alabama was completely confused by the Cougars’ Fumblerooski offense. The Cougars’ defense was equally impressive, allowing only one positive play aided by a streaker.
Controversy overshadowed the game. Immediately after WSU’s 105-0 semifinal victory over Ohio State, a man named Pink Floyd, who for reasons unknown was granted a media credential by Washington State University, posted a deranged series of nearly 1,000 tweets claiming that WSU coach Nick Rolovich had breathed Covid germs on him during the PAC-12 media days in late July. These claims were dismissed by Washington State officials. “It was widely reported by two internet fan websites who collectively have 500 subscribers that Nick appeared at media days remotely,” said WSU president Kirk Schulz.
Floyd’s antics continued during the game. Law enforcement officials confirmed that the streaker who interrupted the third quarter was Floyd. Although not endangering the outcome, Floyd did distract the WSU defense just prior to the snap on Alabama’s only positive play of the game, a 73 yard rush that led to Alabama’s lone score, a 38 yard field goal. Floyd had painted “Typhoid Nick” on his torso and WSU players stated Floyd was screaming “lock him up” as he strode onto the field wearing a child-sized Superman cape. The FBI suspects Floyd bet on Alabama to cover the point spread and are investigating his financial transactions.
Even stranger, just one day prior to kickoff controversy swirled around Washington State Athletic Director Pat Chun’s fundraising efforts. Rumors circulated that an alumnus known as “BiggsCoug” had donated $200 million to WSU to expand Martin Stadium to 80,000 seats. “It was weird” said Chun. “We have no records of this Biggs ever making a donation or even buying a ticket.” BiggsCoug responded to media inquiries through spokesman identified as “CougEd” who sent a fax from the Tulare, California FedEx Kinkos that stated:
“Biggs inTended to make the donaation . But russian hackers got their hands on his bitcoin stash . Or he couldn’t remember the password. Not sure actually . I don’t have my readersBut I talked to a guy in the biz and he said Biggs has ten tries to remembered his past word . He keeps tryinf variations of strong and fit and tough all day . No luck so far .”
The craziness continued after the game. Alabama AD Greg Byrne made Washington State an offer Chun could not refuse. Knowing that new blood was needed in Alabama’s football program Byrne offered a trade of Nick Saban, $200 million and a player to be named later to buy Rolovich out of his contract. “It was too good to pass up,” Chun said. “Now this Biggs guy wants credit for a $200 million donation,” said Chun.
Rolovich leaves WSU with a 16-3 overall record following a 1-3 season in the pandemic shortened 2020 season, and this year’s 15-0 record capped with a PAC-12 championship and national championship. “He was toast here,” said CougEd in an unsolicited press release.
Concluding a Cinderella season, the Washington State Cougars defeated the Alabama Crimson Tide 77–3, just failing to cover the -75 point spread. The game was uneventful, following a tumultuous week for the Cougars. Alabama was completely confused by the Cougars’ Fumblerooski offense. The Cougars’ defense was equally impressive, allowing only one positive play aided by a streaker.
Controversy overshadowed the game. Immediately after WSU’s 105-0 semifinal victory over Ohio State, a man named Pink Floyd, who for reasons unknown was granted a media credential by Washington State University, posted a deranged series of nearly 1,000 tweets claiming that WSU coach Nick Rolovich had breathed Covid germs on him during the PAC-12 media days in late July. These claims were dismissed by Washington State officials. “It was widely reported by two internet fan websites who collectively have 500 subscribers that Nick appeared at media days remotely,” said WSU president Kirk Schulz.
Floyd’s antics continued during the game. Law enforcement officials confirmed that the streaker who interrupted the third quarter was Floyd. Although not endangering the outcome, Floyd did distract the WSU defense just prior to the snap on Alabama’s only positive play of the game, a 73 yard rush that led to Alabama’s lone score, a 38 yard field goal. Floyd had painted “Typhoid Nick” on his torso and WSU players stated Floyd was screaming “lock him up” as he strode onto the field wearing a child-sized Superman cape. The FBI suspects Floyd bet on Alabama to cover the point spread and are investigating his financial transactions.
Even stranger, just one day prior to kickoff controversy swirled around Washington State Athletic Director Pat Chun’s fundraising efforts. Rumors circulated that an alumnus known as “BiggsCoug” had donated $200 million to WSU to expand Martin Stadium to 80,000 seats. “It was weird” said Chun. “We have no records of this Biggs ever making a donation or even buying a ticket.” BiggsCoug responded to media inquiries through spokesman identified as “CougEd” who sent a fax from the Tulare, California FedEx Kinkos that stated:
“Biggs inTended to make the donaation . But russian hackers got their hands on his bitcoin stash . Or he couldn’t remember the password. Not sure actually . I don’t have my readersBut I talked to a guy in the biz and he said Biggs has ten tries to remembered his past word . He keeps tryinf variations of strong and fit and tough all day . No luck so far .”
The craziness continued after the game. Alabama AD Greg Byrne made Washington State an offer Chun could not refuse. Knowing that new blood was needed in Alabama’s football program Byrne offered a trade of Nick Saban, $200 million and a player to be named later to buy Rolovich out of his contract. “It was too good to pass up,” Chun said. “Now this Biggs guy wants credit for a $200 million donation,” said Chun.
Rolovich leaves WSU with a 16-3 overall record following a 1-3 season in the pandemic shortened 2020 season, and this year’s 15-0 record capped with a PAC-12 championship and national championship. “He was toast here,” said CougEd in an unsolicited press release.
